A look into the randomness of my mind

I realized I haven't written an entry in a while. Partly because I was out of the state and partly because of time. I realize that time is used as an excuse for me a lot. I say excuse but in fact I am a really busy person. My schedule is usually full and sometimes after a long day at work the last thing I want to do is sit in front of my computer. I do like writing (or typing) though. I don't know. Today I am feeling pretty scattered so I am not sure what this is going to be or even if there will be some significant point made. Today just may be the inner workings of my mind that gets shared with you. A part of me just came up and said "WAIT! Do you really want to do that"? Fear of judgment is behind that. To that part I say yes. I do want to do that because I made a commitment to be raw and real and if people who read this can not handle it then, frankly, that is their issue. If they have a problem with it they can address it with me, or not. It's not my business anyway. I have spent way too much time caring about what other people think of me. It has stopped me from doing a lot of things and experiencing things that I wanted to. I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to experience life as I want to. If it doesn't fall in line with what your expectations are of me, again, not my problem. I feel like I am being defensive now. That part of me that wants to be strong and stand up to the world feels like it's important for me to do that. I recognize that I can do that in a less defensive/aggressive way and still feel like I am standing up for myself. I do that better today. I stand up for myself in many ways in which I didn't in the past. Still room for improvement but as far as I am concerned there is always room for improvement and that is why perfect doesn't exist. I was reading an old journal last night and I had contemplated getting a tattoo that says perfectly imperfect. That phrase really resonates with me. Speaking of tattoos, I really want another one. I want my Beyond Pumpkin one and have a few ideas of how I want it to look. I need to start a specific fund to save for it as well. I hate that I have to be so aware of money like this. I look forward to the day when I can just afford things. I don't need to or want to be rich but I want to be able to buy things for myself without wondering if something else is going to suffer because of it. Lots of energy is going into my private practice so that can come true. I know that I can and am successful and can and am creating a space for increased success. I went to Starbucks on break and am feeling pretty affected by the caffeine. Normally it doesn't hit me this fast. I wonder if it is hitting me like it is because of how tired I feel. I am doing p3 this weekend and am wondering if I should or if I should cancel. I have princess status so I can still take care of myself and show up for the students. I can continue to take care of myself as the day and the weekend progresses. Actually it is important for me to always take care of myself. Self care is important. I think what happens sometimes is I think I am engaging in self care, and to a certain extent I am, but I am still doing a lot which feels like I am always on the go and not relaxing. Now I do take time just to relax. I can remember in the recent past chillin on the couch and watching The L Word for several hours (Dani stop laughing. LOL). I think the things I do to relax or for self care sometimes need to be different. Taking a walk in the woods, reading on the porch, doing some artwork. . . Those are activities I want to do more often. Spending time with and connecting with people who are important to me always fuels me but I am realizing that I need the alone time as well. I think ever since being clean my "true" personality characteristics are presenting themselves and I have more introverted qualities then I thought I did. I think I would still be considered an extrovert if I had to choose one or the other. Next weekend I am planning a date with a friend I haven't been able to connect with in awhile and I am looking forward to that. That is the only thing I have planned. I think I may plan some alone time activities for that weekend. Even if its only a few hours a day. I don't necessarily need a whole weekend of alone time. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what I need because I want to do it all. I want to be alone and I want to be with my people and I don't want to miss things and at times I am ok with missing things. These parts are sometimes not on the same page. I would like to in this moment acknowledge all the parts who are listening right now and say thank you for everything you do for me. Each of you is important and I know I would not have survived this long without you. I look forward to being able to do more parts work so I can see how it all works. I think even the small amount I know helps because I am able to acknowledge parts that come up and just validate them, instead of bashing myself, or in essence them. Being compassionate with myself for everything is the way to go. That is where healing comes in. It is important for me to treat myself nicely. I know at times I will forget to but that is why I have amazing people in my life to remind me there is a healthier way to do things. My best friend in the whole wide world tells me that I have manifested these amazing connections and that feels so good. It feels amazing to know that because of the work I do, I have invited people into my life who do the work as well. People who love me unconditionally and support me and who show up for me. Holy shit people show up for me! I can think of many and there are 2 people who show up for me in the most amazing ways. I never knew it was possible to have that. I am so grateful. Who knew I would ever be grateful for being an addict!  . . . .
And shift! I have been having an IM conversation with a coworker and we have been laughing by ourselves in our respective offices. At one point she got up and came in here because she couldn't handle it anymore. Here is the conversation. **disclaimer: I am totally aware that this may only be funny to her and I but here it is anyway**

Amanda Robinson
SSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO The Macchiato goes faster to the blood stream!! LOL13:25
Jarmela Coleman
LOL...Yes!!! 13:25
I LOVE them.13:26
Amanda Robinson
Yeah I am typing super fast right now so hopefully ill get some work done. LOL
Jarmela Coleman
LOL..it was the boost you needed. Now I am fighting the urge to get one after work.13:27
Amanda Robinson
Sorry :(13:28
I am sure there is a 12 step program out there you can attend :)
Jarmela Coleman
No, it's fine.
Amanda Robinson
I hope its ok to make a joke like that.
Jarmela Coleman
LOL..I am sure there is a Starbucks addiction group.13:29
Yes, I totally get your sense of humor...you never have to worry about me being offended...
Amanda Robinson
Ok great and I know you well enough to know if you are offended you will tell me.13:30
Jarmela Coleman
Oh yes! Then we will laugh about why I am offended...
Amanda Robinson
Haha! Yes13:31
I just literally LOL'ed at that
Jarmela Coleman
LOL..I just LOL'ed at THAT!
Amanda Robinson
Haha! And then I just LOL'ed again!
OMG this is the best part of our conversation!
Jarmela Coleman
stop it...I look like a crazy person in my office laughing by myself!!13:32
Amanda Robinson
Me too!
LOL13:33
I have my headphone on and am listening to music so I can "pretend" that I am listening to comedy!
LOL
I dont know why I had to use quotes around pretend!
Jarmela Coleman
LOL...
Amanda Robinson
Holy crap its really amazing how fast I am typing.
LOL
Jarmela Coleman
stop it!! I am actually in here laughing!!
Amanda Robinson
Hee hee!
I wish I could sneak up on you and hear this but then I wouldnt be able to continue to type to you to make you laugh13:34
This part for me is more fun I think!
Jarmela Coleman
It is...now I want a carmel machiato so that I can type fast, and laugh at the same time! Next Friday...13:35
Amanda Robinson
I'm in!
We'll do it together.
I am such an enableer!
or an enabler
Why does that look funny13:36
Am I still spelling it wrong?
the second one is right right?
LOL
or correct
Haha!
OMG I love you!13:41
Jarmela Coleman
Uh oh...what did I do now?
Did some kid just yell out "Pancake?"
Amanda Robinson
That you came in here!
It was awesome
I dont know I have my headphones on13:42
I am listening to iHeart
Radio
Jarmela Coleman
I'm excited about coffee every Friday now!
Amanda Robinson
Woot1
or !
Jarmela Coleman
Tying super fast again huh?
Amanda Robinson
Haha13:43
yes
Sometimes I do make mistakes and forget to correct them
BUt that is why spell check is super amazing for my notes and blog
I am about to totally add this to my  blog
Jarmela Coleman
The LOL part or the spellchecker part?13:44
Amanda Robinson
the LOL part13:46
I can actually copy and past this whole conversation but I think it may only be funny to us. Like when people are high and they think things are funny but you can only "get it" if you are high too.13:47
I mean so I have heard!
Jarmela Coleman
LOL..so I heard also!
Amanda Robinson
Hee Hee
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Whole convo or parts of it AND do you want to be anonymous?13:48
Jarmela Coleman
Nope..It's ok if they see my name.
Amanda Robinson
Woot!

So . . . I think this may be a good place to end. I am going to get some more work done so I can be all caught up and not have to worry about this damn place at all this weekend. Thank you to those who stuck it out through this whole post. Sometimes it just feels good to be random and get it all out. Well not all. There is so much more in there but maybe that will be a future post. Until next time . . .

Hugs and love to all

Amanda

Possibility

Possibility. It's possible. That is what came to me in a meditation today. I invested in a workshop that has already given me a new perspective on my dreams. They are possible and they ARE coming true even as I write this. One major thing that sunk in for me today is that people will want to see me BECAUSE I have tattoos, BECAUSE I have piercings, BECAUSE I have purple or red or blue hair, BECAUSE I am an artist, and BECAUSE I am a creative. There is no one that can do what I do. AND what I do is valuable! I am valuable! Today was life changing. I can feel it.

Who is in the drivers seat?

Have you ever wondered to yourself "Who is in the drivers seat"? You can identify that you aren't feeling like yourself and you just kind of "coast" through the day without really being present. Yesterday I was cranky for most of the day. I snapped at a client (immediately humbled myself and made amends), was feeling very sensitive, and had an intense experience with my emotions. I am trying to get away from say "I had a break down" or "I lost it" because that is not the truth. The truth is I experienced some emotions that felt very tense. **Hold please my mother is calling me** (Not too much time lapsed. I just got butt dialed! LOL) Ever since I have been out of the fog I spent so much of my life in I experience emotions at such a heightened level that it can become very uncomfortable. What happens to me is this, I feel an emotion and if I am not able to "talk myself down" then my thoughts spiral out of control and the negative thinking takes over. I can rationalize with myself saying that "I know this isn't true" or "that isn't true" but at that point I feel so connected to it it's hard to come back. The beautiful part, yes there is a beautiful part that I can recognize, is that I am able to reach out and talk about it instead of keeping it bottle up in my mind. Keeping it bottled up will definitely cause my thoughts to spin out of control and at the end I think either "I am going to die" or "No one loves me". There are a few others but those are the main two that surface for me. So, yesterday I had this part of me who was in the driver's seat. The part that is cranky, anxious, and negative. The part of me who feels everyone is going to abandon me and that no one loves me. I tried a few times to speak to those parts to validate their existence but for the most part they were still very present. I have to be honest a part of me, maybe my true genuine, connected self was grateful because it allowed me to have a connection with someone who is very important to me and who I love VERY much. As was said in our conversation "it was Divine". Today, I can be grateful for the way things played out and the outcomes that occurred. Deeper connections were created and that makes my heart happy. So, why do I still feel "off" today? A friend of mine at work commented and said that she can sense some sadness in me today. I didn't think of sadness until she said something. I haven't been able to really put my finger on exactly what it is and I know that I will gain some insight and clarity at some point. I know that I am tired, I know that I am experiencing some sciatica pain, and I know that I am not fully back in the driver's seat. Whatever the cause I don't feel like "me". I say "me" in quotes because all the parts of me that I am experiencing are ME. I am learning more about parts and to be honest it can all be a bit overwhelming. What I can also recognise is that is a "part" of me. I have had the tendency to go straight to being "overwhelmed" so then I can have a reason to "freak out" or avoid whatever is going on. Today I chose to do things a little differently. I definitely still have times where I engage in avoidance behaviors (My most favorite at this time is spending hours and hours watching The L Word.) and I am also pretty dedicated to the self growth/insight/awareness process. For today, I am going to meet myself where I am at. I have p3 this weekend and am sure that I will be able to gain some clarity/insight. I look forward to the healing these weekends bring.

I would like to take a moment to show some love to a person who brightens my world and helps me feel safe, loved, and supported on a daily basis. This amazing individual SHOWS up in ways no one has ever shown up for me. They know how much I love them because I say/show it all the time. I just wanted to put some energy into words here so everyone (or all of you reading this) can know.

For those of you reading this, here is my wish for you. . . I wish for you clarity on the own inner workings of your being and I wish for you connections with people who help you feel consistently safe, loved, and supported. I also wish for you bright, sunny, happy days, beautiful memories, warm embraces, and laughter. LOTS AND LOTS OF LAUGHTER!

So, as I end this post, I can recognize experiencing some anxiety. I am going to go check in with this anxiety and see where it takes me . . .

Go the other way.

I went on a walk today. Doesn't seem like big news to share, however this walk brought to me ideas for this blog and other creative endeavors. I have a path I normally take when I walk around the neighborhood. As I was walking up the street I decided, or rather I chose to listen to a message to "go the other way". And so I did. I just took my normal route but did it backwards. It was interesting because I saw the neighborhood differently. I saw trees and street names I hadn't ever noticed before. While I was walking and noticing all the "new" a thought came to me . . . What would happen if we, I,  did things differently. Take the same path but in the opposite direction. It's all in having a different perspective. It's a matter of seeing things a different way and noticing things you would not have noticed before. Yes, you  may notice it anyway but think of all the things we miss when we don't ever just turn around. If I normally think a lot before making any decisions, what would it look like for me to be spontaneous and just take a chance? Or if I become defensive very quickly what would happen if I take a step back to see the other persons perspective and then decide on how to react? I am not naive to think that something profound will come out of doing something differently every time, and I do know that if we, I, never change our view of things a lot will be missed. So a challenge I heard for myself today is to see the different perspective in things. I accept that challenge and challenge all of you to do the same.

Feelings, Fears, and Doing it Afraid

Ok, here we go. I promised raw and real. I am sitting at work and very grateful for a cancellation so I can spend some time with me. Doing this, writing, allowing myself to speak from my heart. I was sitting here and realized that I was starting to feel anxiety. It starts in the middle of my chest, a warm feeling that radiates outward into the rest of my body. My face feels tingly and I want to jump out of my skin. Really I want someone to squeeze me as tight as they can. Just closing my eyes and imagining someone squeezing me helps slightly. I realize this is a long intro to get to the point. I am a little all over the place in my head so this post may get confusing. I will do my best to clarify things and I make no promises it will make sense to anyone but me. Hell, it may not even make sense to me. I just type the words. Doesn't mean in the moment I have to understand them. That is how my higher power works sometimes. So these feeling that I am recognizing are jealousy, longing, sadness, pain, . . . and probably more that in this moment I am not able to put words to. I recognize that jealousy has come out a lot for me in the last few weeks and I haven't really spoken about it because shit who wants to be jealous? Sometimes I hope that if I don't say anything it will get resolved on its own. I definitely know better then that when I can think logically and rationally. Sometimes that just is not the case. So jealousy. According to dictionary.com, jealousy is defined as:

jeal·ous·y

/ˈdʒɛləsi/ Show Spelled [jel-uh-see]   

noun, plural jeal·ous·ies for 4.

1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

 

Even just reading the definition makes me feel yucky and shameful inside. Why do I compare myself to everyone? Why can't i just be happy with where my life is and the accomplishments I have made? Why is it never enough??? Fuck! There it is. Most everything in my life leads to that core wound. I am not enough. It is never enough . . .

I know that I am an amazing person and I have accomplished huge things in my life and am still striving for bigger and better things. I have goals and I work on them all the time. I can own my part in that I can look at my priorities and put more energy towards other things I want to make happen. Sometimes there is just not enough hours in a day. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to come home from work or a meeting and just veg out. . . I deserve to get lost in a book or a TV show or get to bed early. I deserve that. BUT then when things I want to happen don't get done I take that away from myself almost like a punishment. I will end up staying up way to late to read or do those things but then I suffer the next day. I know there has to  be an easier way. . .

 

So back to jealousy. What has been coming up for me in this area is being jealous of other people's success (because it is happening faster then mine) and of their dating/love/romantic life (because I am not experiencing any of that). Ok, that last part is not entirely true. I have a few people in my life who I receive/experience intimate connection from/with and I value, love, cherish, and respect that connection. I think it has to do more with the physical aspects of a romantic relationship and the outward appearance. (Gross! Did I just admit that out loud!). I just want to cry right now. I would go for it at 100% but there is a window on the door to my office and the walls are paper thin. Sometimes I think I just get lonely and crave physical touch and just plain attention.

 

** Something in me wants to end this now and not even post if. I recognize it as fear of judgement. I am typing this and telling you all so I don't have to carry it with me and so that you can see that this in fact is raw and real. One thing I mentioned in my initial blog is that fear of judgement. What I keep reminding myself, even in this moment, is that people who love me will love me no matter what. And yes, people may judge me, but that doesn't mean I need to censor who I am. If they judge me, they need to deal with that and it is none of my business. It's so easy to say this and a completely different thing to believe it. I also know from experience that the more me I am, the more amazing my life feels and the more amazing the people in my life are and that is why I choose to DO IT AFRAID!. I am afraid of being judged and doing it anyway. **

 

Most of the time I am pretty good about asking for what I need and sometimes it harder. I guess this is just a harder moment. I think what happens is that I start to think about what I want to ask and them make assumptions that others are too busy, don't want to, or have other things going on. Oy Vey!

 

I am on Step 6 which is about character defects. I think these things are coming up at exactly the time they need to so I can start addressing them. Whether or not it is a character defect, I still have needs that deserve to be met. I know that I need to take responsibility for my part in things and I feel I am able to do that, sometimes with the help of others, and at other times on my own. I fully recognize that I have not "put myself out there" regarding the dating/romance thing. I do understand that someone is not going to just fall in my lap or knock on my door. I know I have to make an effort. That part is scary too. OMG I am all over the place in my head.

 

It's now lunch time and I need to go eat. That may in fact help me feel better and clear up some things in my head. So, I am going to go heat up my meal, take some deep breaths, say a prayer, and continue to take care of me.

 

If you have made it to the end of this blog post I want to thank you for holding on and staying with it. If you feel confused, I say welcome to the club. If you get me, I say welcome to the club. If you are judging me . . . well, if you are judging me like I said it is none of my business. I feel like I want to give you all something for making it through this post to the bitter end. . .

 

For those of you reading this line know I love you! Even if we aren't very close, or I don't see you every day, or we haven't talked in weeks, know . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love for LeeMee

I never understood people who didn't want to move because it would disturb the pet that was laying with them . . . I SO get it now! Right now as I type this I have a little chihuahua named Killer sleeping next to me, well kinda on top of my hip. And you guessed it, I don't want to disturb him. I wish I could add audio so you could hear the cute little noises he makes when he sleeps. Anyway, this post is not about him. This post is about a realization I had today that I am now a person who loves animals. I never hated animals but I never really got attached to them either. Growing up I usually had a pet but it was never mine. I never did most of the taking care of or nurturing of the animal. I would be sad when they passed away or ran away (I had a kitten named Katie who ran away. She did not want to move to Orlando) but . . . I don't know. This feeling I am experiencing is different. I have this person in my life who is one of the most amazing human beings I have ever met. The compassion and caring she has for all living things is inspirational. I see all living things differently because of her.  She has 4 dogs. They have become my dogs too. I take care of them and love them like they are my own. Most nights I have 1 or 2 of them sleeping with me and when I don't, I miss them. Well, a week ago she rescued a dog that was left alone and not being taken care of properly. She was named LeeMee. LeeMee was brought home and lived with us for the week. She slept in my room. Now, I will be the first to admit sometimes I was annoyed with her, but that never really lasted long. Today, she was brought to a pet adoption place to be given a good home where she is going to be loved beyond imagination. I didn't expect to feel attachment feelings towards her, but I do. I miss her. I got sad when I walked into my room and saw the crate there knowing she wasn't going to be sleeping there tonight. Earlier today, she was sitting with me cuddled up on a park bench and I just looked at her and told her I would miss her. I got a picture with her today right before we dropped her off. Look at that face. How could you not fall in love with her.

This is me.

I made a declaration on Facebook yesterday that I was going to start blogging again. And if it's said on Facebook then that means it has to be done right? Actually I became really excited, like butterflies in the tummy, cheese smile on the face excited, when I thought about it. I miss writing. I have been told by many that they like reading what I write. As much as that makes me feel good inside and is very affirmative, the process is really for me. Just another way to express myself. When I sit down and write I am not thinking about . . . Ok, truth time. I just realized that I got stuck as I was typing and when I checked in with myself it was because there was a part of me that wanted to be untruthful. A part that wanted to "sound" and be perceived in a different way. That is not the way I choose to be today. Or better yet, that is not the way I want to be today. Sometimes it still happens and that is why the saying is Progress NOT Perfection. Character defects rear their ugly little heads all the time. The beautiful part, the oh so beautiful part, is today I get to choose to be different. I get to respond in ways that feel good to me and are in line with my authentic, genuine self. I was sharing in a meeting yesterday, **If you didn't already know, I am in Recovery. My name is Amanda and I am an addict** (Pause for effect so you can all respond accordingly), about what recovery has brought to my life. I have people in my life today who get me. They get me, and they love me. They love me, and they show up for me in more ways then I knew existed. I have people in my life today who help me feel safe. I have people in my life today who won't co sign on bullshit and let me get away with things that will be harmful to myself. I have people today who listen, and I mean REALLY listen to me and who genuinely care about the things I am saying and feeling. Woah! THIS, This moment is why I love to write. Seeing my thoughts and feeling them in my body create a connection that can't be explained unless you have experienced it. It's like a connection with a part of myself that has been sleeping, hiding, or just sitting quietly waiting for the opportunity to spring forth and say "HERE I AM". I find myself becoming a little sad in this moment that I have allowed that part of me to remain so still for such a long time. She has waited to patiently for me to be in a place where I am ready to continue to express myself at a deeper, raw, real, naked truth kind of place. That place is where healing, growth, happiness, serenity, change, love and so much more comes from.  It is from that place that I make this commitment. I commit to write at least once a week. Once a week to share the raw, real details of my being. The thoughts, ideas, creativity, feelings, and silliness that lives inside of me. So, I start now. Remember at the beginning I chose to pause and be truthful. The truth is that when I write sometimes I do censor myself. Sometimes I do hope that certain people will be reading my words and that others won't be. Sometimes I don't share things for fear of judgment, feelings of shame or embarrassment, or because I have this belief that I will look dumb, and at others I share things to get attention. I know in this very moment I am being the most real version of myself because of the feelings I am experiencing in my body in this very moment. My face feels tingly. I don't know if you have ever experienced that feeling before. I have and often times, for me, it is uncomfortable. Today I chose to see (and feel) it as a sensation of freedom. An awareness that I am stepping further and further into my true self. Today, I share with you, me. That 2 letter word hold in it an abundance of love, truth, playfulness, intelligence, sexiness, quiet stillness, laughter (with snorts of course), excitement, creativity and so much more. I look forward to this continued journey of discovery to see what other incredible qualities can be found in ME. For those of you willing to be on this journey with me, I encourage you to wear your seat belt. It's going to be a bumpy ride. . . Bumpy and FUN!